The End is near. Way too near

CAUTION: Do not read unless you know me VERY well otherwise this will sound very depressing. Its just another rant of mine but its not the happiest writing in the world. Seriously, don't read it.

Last time I wrote, I was on a high from Spring Break. Relaxation was my middle name and there wasn't much that could bring me down. Haha. Oh how quickly my moods can change. We returned to classes and were immediately shocked into a state of stress and disbelief. They hit us with an extensive History final that required about 16 hours of studying, then two final projects that would take the remainder of our time here (2 weeks). Even then, they did not shatter my sense of calm. Of course I could get all the work done.

A week into the working process and a few days after my final, I realize that its not the work load that will break me but the realization that I'm leaving in 9 days. 9 DAYS. I knew I would have to leave this place, but not this soon. I'm just not ready.

Its now 3am. I slept for 4 hours and then woke up when my roommate went to bed. I haven't been able to sleep since them. Kept up by the overwhelming thought that I have to leave Rome. I'm not sure that my blog is the right place to express all this stuff but since I sent my diary home with my parents, its really the only place I have. So please forgive me, all those people that read this, I'm just going to vent for a little while. Maybe a few of you might have some advice about dealing with leaving a place, although I should be good at that by now.

Everyday that passes and every little experience that I have, I keep thinking that this will be the last time I do this. I was riding my bike home today, through the bustling city center full of screaming Italians and confused tourists, through the charming Jewish Ghetto with the mighty synagogue and all the little Mom and Pop shops, along the Tiber river with the luscious green plane trees spilling out over the river wall, and finally into the little courtyard with the really old church and my housing unit. All I want to do is take pictures of everything, ingrain them into my memory forever. I feel like I'm losing this new, wonderful piece of myself.  When will I speak Italian again? To an actual Italian person. Without having to pay for classes? Despite how much I hated the endless walking lectures, I will miss comparing the various nuances of every church in Rome. I'm going to miss the sense of camaraderie we have as a group of students in a foreign country. Although there are some people I definitely won't miss, there are some that I will feel lost without when we inevitably get back to Boston and everyone scatters back to their respective lives.

I honestly feel that I don't have much to go back to. The few days with my parents will be wonderful. And to get to see my Gran and Chuck in person. For an entire three days. But then I pack up my things again and move to Boston. Very few people that I love will be there, all still in Europe. I am just going to another city where I feel like I have to start all over again. I have no doubt that I will be fine. After making a life for myself in San Diego, I know I am capable, but all I care about right now is having the comforts of a home. Any home. Rome has finally become that for me and now I have to leave.

I feel that I'm abandoning a best friend that I have no idea if I will ever see again. A list of places I need to see, things I need to buy, and things I need to take pictures of just keeps running through my head. Then on top of that is the pressure to turn in a good project at the end of this 9 days, to go running so that I can be in good shape when I get home (I know that triathlons will be the only thing holding me together for the next few weeks), and to spend as much time with these people that have become my life: my architecture friends, Roman professors, and Roman friends. It's all slipping away way too fast. 

When I read back over this, I realize that I sound extremely depressed. The truth is, I'm not. At all. I am actually just thankful for the amazing experience that I've had here. Kind of stuck between enjoying my last days in Italy and reminiscing about them at the same time. Its a state that I like to call "limbo". In between stages in my life. Its not easy but, like I said, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

Anyway, after a good cry and a lot of venting, I think I've gotten most of it out. I'm not quite clear headed enough to go to bed yet though. Maybe I'll watch some tv that reminds me of home (Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, Privileged?) and let the excitement of seeing my family take over my brain.

Thanks for listening guys. Sorry for that. Love you all and hope you're all healthy and happy.

Ash